Thursday, February 26, 2009

I'm feeling helpless, hopeful yet afraid of losing him

It's raining outside, my heart is breaking recalling daddy's face in the hospital:
eyes closed, on ventilator tubing, drips here & there, needle marks everyway, blood stain due to bleeding frm his mouth(crack lips), urine bag, blood transfusion in progress, blood pressure monitor....worse still he is having fever today & Dr. said his blood result indicated that his liver also has some problem now (besides his kidney failure earlier).

All this happened so fast since December last year. Before that he was such an independent person, driving himself with mum for breakfast, lunch & for medical check ups independantly. Why suddenly he has low blood count..on and off short of breath, turn pale & lethargic? Till today doctor cannot determine why he is losing blood frm time to time. Not leukemia, not this not that...lastly they just suspect he has bone marrow problem which they can't do test at this critical stage to confirm.

However, daddy has jerky movements which are hyper reflexes due to his brain activity frm time to time when he is lying in bed. When I did suctioning(remove secretions from his mouth & nose) for him, he responded by bending his elbows, lifting his ankles & biting the mouth tubing. I really hope these are good signs. yet the fever & other morbids worry me. Doctor ttold generally his condition is not good.

A medium said if he can pass through this critical stage, he should be alright. According to Chinese Lunar he who was born in the Year of snake should have fine luck this year.

Deep down , I'm hopeful, yet I am afraid & are in a denial stage...also feeling helpless & sad to see him suffering.

Should I have tried saving him when his heart stopped at 10am last Sunday on the way to Hospital?

Dad can u actually here us whenever we whisper into your ears each time we visit you in the intensive care?

God, please let my dad pull through this stage & recover soon. I really miss his actions, miss his grumbling, miss the moments he plays with my kids...etc.

Di please wake up soon! We love you. Please don't leave us yet!



Dont feel sad. Be strong for your dad. Pray and have hopes. It will help.

Tammy said...

I pray that your father gets well. Take care! :o)

Health Freak Mommy said...

Just pray for God's guidance. Everything that happens has a reason, including what my Baby C has to go through now. Stay strong my friend!